


/gamemode Eagles

by UmbreonGurl



Series: FE3H Minecraft AU [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: AU, Crack, Gen, minecraft au, mostly black eagles centric, no beta we die like men, spoiler free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-12 03:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20557535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmbreonGurl/pseuds/UmbreonGurl
Summary: The Black Eagles side of the Garreg Mach Minecraft server. Factions, PVP Enabled.





	1. Caspar and the Cactus

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Why are there chickens everywhere by the blaze farm I built for Lady Edelgard?

(Eagles) SexySinger: Chickens?

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Yes. There are chickens everywhere. It is slowing down my computer.

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Killing them all is becoming a tiresome task.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: do u not have optifine??

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: What is “optifine”?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it makes ur minecraft run faster hoob and it allows u to zoom in and stuff its pretty neat

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Do not call me “hoob.” My name is Hubert.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why not

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Call me hoob again and there will be consequences.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh? like what

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, stop it. 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I do not want to have to deal with patching you up after he destroys you.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: lin D: cmon bro ur supposed to back me up here 

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Caspar, you are strong, but Hubert has magic. Can you punch through magic? I don’t think so.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: oh ok yea that makes sense

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: without magic tho id totally kick his ass right

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Likely, yes.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: likely?? lin ur supposed to say yeah bro youd totally win

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: It would be foolish to ignore the possibility of Hubert winning, even though it is unlikely considering his physique. 

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: so basically what ur saying is id totally win. gotcha thanks lin :D

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: That wasn’t what I said.

Casparttheghost —> CrestTextbook: yea it was dw i gotchu bro i can read between the lines 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Do any of you have a spare set of armor I can borrow? I need to murder Sylvain. <3

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Oh no, what’d he do this time?

(Eagles) SexySinger: He existed. 

BrigidPride has joined the game. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hi petra!! 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Hi, Petra! <3 How are you today?

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am well. And how are you being currently?

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’m going good. About to go kill Sylvain. <3

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Ah! Are you requiring supplies? I am having extra armor somewhere. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’d love that, thanks! <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: how come you give everyone else a <3 when you greet them, but not me Dorothea?

(Eagles) SexySinger: That’s obvious. Look at your username. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i don’t understand??

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Correct me if I am being wrong, but I believe she is saying she is thinking you stupid, Ferdinand.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wow ok i see how it is you guys think I’m stupid, huh? calling people mean names isn’t nice D:

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Ferdinand, they are merely stating facts, not calling you mean names. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wow even hubert? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i think ur cool bro

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: thank you, Caspar that means a lot to me rn

(Eagles) SexySinger: His opinion on your intelligence means nothing. He sat on a cactus the other day. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE D:<

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’m sorry, Caspar, but it was just too funny. I couldn’t NOT share it. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wait u rlly sat on a cactus?? how did you manage that?? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it was an accident i didnt mean to sit on the cactus!!!

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i was doing some work in the greenhouse and i saw this rlly cool bug right

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and right next to this cactus there was an upside down pot i thought would be perfect for sitting on so i could get a better look at it

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Then why didn’t you?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i’m getting to that part if you’d let me finish

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i tried to sit on the pot and i wasnt looking so i missed and sat on the cactus instead

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am being sorry Caspar, but that is very funny.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it wasn’t funny it hurt D:

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and lin had to help me pull the needles out of my ass and that hurt even more :(

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Please never make me have to do that again.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: It was rather unpleasant. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh really I didnt notice i was too busy HAVING MY ASS FULL OF CACTUS NEEDLES

(Eagles) SexySinger: You say you don’t want people to know and then you scream about it, Caspar. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shit i gotta shut up

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hey bernie do u have any extra oak logs

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: is she even online rn???

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: she is dw

(Eagles) Berniebear: why wont you leave me alone???

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Sometimes I want to ask him the same question, Bernadetta. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: BRUh! Lin cmon thats not very cash money of you dude

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Three words, Caspar. Cactus. Needles. Buttocks. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: just say ass lmao buttocks sounds so stuck up like

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ooo look at me im linhardt im smart i say buttocks instead of ass ooo

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, if you want me to help you with your homework ever again I suggest you hush. 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Because I could easily use that time on more productive things. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wow ur rlly gonna play that card huh guess I’ll just have to go play barbie since you all BULLY me

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i hate all of you

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: except for Petra and Bernie yall cool and lin youre on thin ice but for rn ur cool

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: anyways imma go play barbie PEACE

Caspartheghost has left the game.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: What are these strange white animals that are being in the snowy area? 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Wolves?

(Eagles) BrigidPride: No, they are bigger. And in the snowy area where there is no trees.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Oh! Polar bears.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Interesting. I have never seen such a creature before. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: I think they’re common up in the northern part of Faerghus.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Ah! I see! I am having gratitude for your explanation, Dorothea. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Anytime. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and there you go with the hearts again!! you wound me so dorothea

(Eagles) SexySinger: Too bad.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: :(

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: oh so you only give me a <3 to mock me i see how it is

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: stop it

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: >:(

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: fuck you

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

IamFerdinandvonAegir has left the game.

(Eagles) SexySinger: How to get rid of idiots in 5 easy steps! Dermatologists hate her!

Caspartheghost has joined the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: I’m back bitches

AdrestianPrincess has joined the game.

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: Welcome back, Lady Edelgard.

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Hubert, is there no way for you to change your username?

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: It’s garish.

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: As you had Caspar make the account for me, I am unable to change the username. 

(Eagles) EdelgardWorshipper1: He has most of the account locked behind parental controls. 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Caspar, help him change his username. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why? i think his user suits him perfectly

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i even made sure to put the 1 at the end to show hes ur number one fan :D

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I’ve told you several times to change it. You’ve had time to. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well actually ive been rlly busy playing barbie and 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Fix it or I will confiscate your copy of Barbie Horse Adventures.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok ok fine brb hubert log off for a sec so i can change it

EdelgardWorshipper1 has left the game.

GothHoob has joined the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: there are you happy now princess 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: While I’d imagine that isn’t exactly the username he wanted, it’s at least one I can tolerate seeing on my screen.

(Eagles) GothHoob: I demand someone give me Caspar’s current location. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: sorry not telling I dont want to die

(Eagles) SexySinger: It’s okay, Hubie.

(Eagles) SexySinger: It’s definitely better than your old username by miles. <3

(Eagles) GothHoob: I don’t know why I waste my time with you lot.

GothHoob has left the game.

pu55yslayersylvain —> SexySinger: did you get my letter??

SexySinger —> pu55yslayersylvain: If you’re referring to the “minecraft gf contract”, I tore it up and threw it into the fireplace. <3

pu55yslayersylvain —> SexySinger: did I not offer enough diamonds

SexySinger —> FighterFraldarius: Hey Felix! <3 Would you mind giving me a tp to Sylvain’s base?

FighterFraldarius —> SexySinger: Why?

SexySinger —> FighterFraldarius: I need to murder him. Repeatedly.

FighterFraldarius —> SexySinger: I’d be happy to. 

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [<3]

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [<3]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shit dorotheas going beastmode.

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [<3]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: damn

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [<3]

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [<3]

pu55yslayersylvain has left the game.

SexySinger —> FighterFraldarius: Thanks! <3

FighterFraldarius —> SexySinger: Anytime.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: did you spawncamp him lmao

(Eagles) SexySinger: Of course I did. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: how did u even find his base

(Eagles) SexySinger: Oh, that was actually rather simple.

(Eagles) SexySinger: I simply asked Felix to tp me there.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and he let u in???

(Eagles) SexySinger: After I told him I wanted to kill Sylvain, yes, he did. <3 

(Eagles) SexySinger: He told me he’d be happy to.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wow.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: I can’t believe dorothea is such a gamer holy shit dude


	2. Ferdinand the Pegasus Knight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ferdinand acquires a pegasus, and Caspar and Linhardt debate over the founding of Caspar's club.

IamFerdinandvonAegir has joined the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ok why did the professors think inter-house sky patrol would be a good idea

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Did something be happening?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Hilda pushed me off my wyvern and stole it

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: I got left with her pegasus

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i thought pegasi hate dudes tho???

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: well wyverns are assholes

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am not understanding what you mean. My wyvern is very sweet.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: well mine wasnt and idk why but that pegasus and I get along so 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lmfao 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i guess i have a pegasus now? 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Hilda doesnt seem like shes gonna give the wyvern back and truthfully I dont want her to so

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: I’m keeping it 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: but the name Hilda gave it was stupid so i renamed it

(Eagles) BrigidPride: What have you been renaming it to?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: only the noblest of names, of course

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: her name is sunshine and I love her

(Eagles) BrigidPride: LOL. That is very cute!

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: what the fuck happened to ferdinand and who is this pegasus riding impostor

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: caspar stfu you play barbie bro you cant say shit

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: so? barbie is a game for big boys 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: which i am. the biggest of boys

(Eagles) SexySinger: Caspar, you’re literally one of the shortest in our entire class. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: the proper term is short king thank you very much

(Eagles) SexySinger: King of what, exactly? Barbie? <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: id be fine with being the king of barbie thats a title ill happily accept

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: bow before your king peasants

(Eagles) SexySinger: How are we supposed to bow to you? You’re too short. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wow thats a low blow doro not cool

(Eagles) SexySinger: Not as low as we’d have to get to the ground to bow to you. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: >:( fite me lets go fox only final destination no items

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, that’s a bad idea. You’re atrocious at smash.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: dorothea will kick your ass with a prada purse and a pair of gucci heels on

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: both metaphorically and literally

(Eagles) SexySinger: ^ Damn straight. <3

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: lin i stg if u dont start backing me up im going to have to revoke your caspar bro club membership card

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: I was unaware I even had such a thing. 

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: I havent made them yet but i was gonna 

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: I don’t think you can revoke something you never handed out, Caspar.

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: I never even accepted the membership in the first place.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: yes i can and you cant stop me

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: No, you can’t.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: fine ill make one for u then take it away right after

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Why bother making them if you’re only going to take them away immediately after? It seems like a waste.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: im tryna make a point here ok man

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Whatever you say, Caspar.

pu55yslayersylvain has joined the game.

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: is it safe to come out now

SexySinger —> FighterFraldarius: Hey, Felix! I’m going to need another tp, if you don’t mind! <3

FighterFraldarius —> SexySinger: No problem.

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

pu55yslayersylvain —> FighterFraldarius: felix bro wtf did u tp her in here???

FighterFraldarius —> pu55yslayersylvain: Of course I did. You deserve it.

pu55yslayersylvain —> FighterFraldarius: bruh wtf we’re supposed to be on the same team homie

FighterFraldarius —> pu55yslayersylvain: When you send a girl a “minecraft gf contract” you are disowned from being on my team.

pu55yslayersylvain —> FighterFraldarius: u cant disown me ur not Dimitri

FighterFraldarius —> pu55yslayersylvain: You’re right. But I can keep teleporting Dorothea to you.

pu55yslayersylvain —> FighterFraldarius: bruh

pu55yslayersylvain —> FighterFraldarius: you suck

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [SylvainSlayerDorothea]

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: wtf u have a special weapon for this??

(Global) (Eagles) SexySinger: Of course I do. <3 Only the best for slaughtering the worst.

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: lmfao savage

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: hey doro do u have extras i want one

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by SexySinger using [Prada Purse]

(Global) (Eagles) SexySinger: Not currently, but I can make you one. 

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: thatd be sweet thx doro <3

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: this is unfair im being ganged up on

(Global) (Lions) FighterFraldarius: It’s not unfair. You brought this all on yourself, you manwhore.

(Global) (Lions) WannabeFalconKnight: ^ Felix has a point.

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: fuck you guys

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by WannabeFalconKnight using [Luín]. 

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: wow ingrid not cool :(

(Eagles) Berniebear: why are there like 10 wolves sitting around by the nether portal

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh whoops those are mine i made them sit there while i went nether hunting

(Eagles) Berniebear: but theyve been there for like 3 days now caspar?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i forgot ok :(

(Eagles) Berniebear: for three days??

AdrestianPrincess has joined the game.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Hey, Edie!! <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: How are you?

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I could be better.

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Would any of you happen to have any idea who thought it would be funny to leave a rat in my room?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh no a rat??

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: That’s correct. Someone thought it’d be humorous to leave a fake rat on my desk.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and hoob hasn’t already murdered the person responsible?

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Not yet, no. I’d like to keep this from him. I’m afraid that we can’t have him murdering any of our classmates.

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: And I’m sincerely worried he might if he finds out about this.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: gotcha we will keep this on the down low dw :)

(Eagles) SexySinger: ^ <3

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I have a sneaking suspicion as to who did it, but nothing to confirm it.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Oh? Who do you think did it, Edie? <3

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Claude, I suspect. Or one of his housemates. 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: They all seem to think such practical jokes are… humorous.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Do you want me to kill him? <3 

(Eagles) SexySinger: In Minecraft, I mean. Not in real life, of course. <3 (I’m not Hubert lol.)

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: While that sounds like a wonderful idea, I propose that we instead thoroughly trounce the Golden Deer on the next event night.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hell yea im down lets get em dudes

(Eagles) SexySinger: ^We’ll get em’ for you, Edie. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hey edelgard guess what i got

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: What did you get, Ferdinand?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i got a pegasus arent you jealous

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you dont have a pegasus do you?

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I don’t, no. Nor do I wish for one. 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: If I did want one, I could easily get one, though. Are you trying to one-up me again?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: perhaps

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: You know I don’t care for that sort of thing, Ferdinand. 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I am glad to hear you have a new hobby, though. 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Hopefully you will be prioritizing spending time with your new mount instead of trying to constantly beat me at everything.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i do not constantly try to beat you at everything

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you totally do lmao you’re always all like

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ooo look at me edelgard im ferdinand von airhead and im gonna surpass you!!! Ooo!

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: look edelgard i can do this better!!!

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and then she kicks ur ass effortlessly and thats just how it goes dude

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: excuse you, I do not do that.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya, u totally do

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Caspar, as crudely as he may have put it, does have a point.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: :(

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: who touched dorte jr

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: which one the minecraft one or the barbie one?

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: the minecraft one dumbass

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: why would we know ask the ppl in ur faction dude

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: i did ask them

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: unlike you i have more than one braincell

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: wow marianne not cool dude you’re banned from the caspar bro club

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, for the last time, you don’t have a “Caspar bro club.”  You never made it.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya i did i just havent invited anyone yet we already had this convo lin

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: You can’t ban people from a club that doesn’t exist.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: it exists in my heart lin and thats all that matters ok

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: Sure. 

(Global) (Deer) Supermeatboy: if you need more members i’d be happy to join. you’re a good gym bro :D

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: hell yeah you can join cmon and join the club bro

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: we will have the biggest muscles and we shall feast like kings!!

(Global) (Deer) Supermeatboy: will there be turkey? i love turkey :)

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: for a true caspar bro, I will make sure there is turkey. The best turkey. the biggest turkey.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: only the finest for my caspar bros

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: bros before hoes 

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, you do realize all clubs have to be approved by the academy first, right?

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: fuck


	3. Hubert's Horse Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert's horse heist doesn't go as planned.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: guys guess what

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: chicken butt?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no its better than that

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: prof b gave the ok on my club its now official and we can have meetings and stuff

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: And what exactly will you be doing at these meetings?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: idk i was gonna figure that out later 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ive got time i just know theres gonna be food and bros 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and what more do we need if we have food and bros

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Many things, actually. Do you have a room arranged to meet in?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no i was just gonna use our classroom

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You do realize that in order to gain access to it after hours, you will need the key, and thus permission?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: fuck

(Eagles) GothHoob: Caspar, make room in the stables for another horse immediately.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ??? why

(Eagles) GothHoob: Don’t question me. Just make room. I will be returning shortly.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: okay??

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hubert is that what i think it is?? are you fucking crazy??

(Eagles) GothHoob: Lady Edelgard said she required a minecraft horse. The rumours have said Dorte Jr. is the best horse on the server. 

(Eagles) GothHoob: Thus, I took the liberty of retrieving it for her. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandVonAegir: hubert do you have a death wish???

(Eagles) IamFerdinandVonAegir: marianne is fucking scary when it comes to her horses

(Eagles) GothHoob: I’m sure she won’t miss just one. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hubert the dorte jrs are like her children

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: goddess if u stole one at least tell me u stole the right one?

(Eagles) GothHoob: I was unaware there were more than one. I thought Dorte Jr. was a singular horse. Was I incorrect?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya she has like 10 horses all named dorte jr

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i cant say i get it but like hey she does her thing i do mine

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u stole the skeleton horse right thats the best one

(Eagles) GothHoob: I took the only one I saw. I do not believe it was a skeleton horse. 

(Eagles) GothHoob: At least it does not have any obvious skeletal appearance.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: gimme a hot sec to come back over and ill check

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ...hubert

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you definitely took the wrong one

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you took one with like horrid speed and horrible health holy shit dude

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lmfao mariannes gonna kill you and its not even gonna be worth it

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz it was the shitty one

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: F in chat for hubert

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: f

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: F.

(Eagles) GothHoob: Please. Marianne is harmless. I do not see why you all are so worried.

(Eagles) GothHoob: If I even got so much as near her vicinity, she would likely break down in tears.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: irl? yes.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: in minecraft? hell no marianne is wrath incarnate sorry hubert you aint got nothin on her

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ^ marianne is fucking scary

(Eagles) GothHoob: I’m sure you two think you are humorous with your tricks, but I am not going to fall for them.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hubert we aint joking like we play mc on here a lot more than u trust me

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you dont mess with marianne like ever

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: like shes a minecraft pvp goddess

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: descended from the aether to rend fury on our poor nether-bound souls

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: And you wonder why people don’t take you seriously when you speak in gamer.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shut up lin i heard u muttering the other day about smthn about crests and comparing them to potion effects in minecraft

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: That was different. I was doing important research. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: mhm sure u were dude sure

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i’ll believe that the day horses fly

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: but horses do fly? pegasi are a thing?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: whoops i forgot about that uhhhh the day pigs fly then

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i saw dimitri go soaring through the air yesterday when hilda grabbed him with her wyvern

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: does that count?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: since calling him the boar is rlly felix’s thing imma just say no on that one 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: :/

(Eagles) GothHoob: If Marianne truly has so many horses, surely she won’t notice if just one went missing.

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: whoever the fuck touched dorte jr 10 is going to die

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: admit to your crimes and return him right fucking now and have a chance for mercy

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: otherwise i will kill you until the stupid plugin gives me your minecraft head

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: and then place it on a fencepost outside my minecraft house

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: what was that about her surely not noticing one being missing?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wanna say that shit again hubert?

(Eagles) GothHoob: In hindsight, perhaps I should have asked around a bit more before going through with my plan.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: orly yathink dude

(Eagles) GothHoob: Ferdinand, be quiet.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hubert you’re so mean to me :(((

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: last fucking chance to admit to taking dorte jr 10 or else someones getting yeeted

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: if he’s dead i’m going to spawncamp you so hard you have no idea

(Eagles) BrigidPride: My goodness. Marianne is being… very angery?

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Is that how you use that meme correctly, Caspar? Angery?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: yep petra you got it great job!!! :D

(Eagles) BrigidPride: :D

(Eagles) GothHoob: Do you think if I returned it while she was offline she would no longer be angry?

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: thats it when i find out which one of you fuckers did it you’re dead

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hell no when mari goes full gamer mode hoob there’s no going back 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and judging by the messages shes been puttin in global

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: she’s gone past full gamer mode into ultra mega ultimate gamer mode

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: turned into ultimate marianne

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: her final form

(Eagles) GothHoob: I made sure to cover my tracks, so I doubt she will find out who did it. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: marianne can probs pull her cute baby crying girl cutesy act to get prof byleth to see who did it

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i dont doubt that she could because prof has a soft spot for marianne

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: she has a soft spot for all the deer rlly but that makes since since shes kinda taking charge of their house tho so :/

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i wish prof senpai would notice us we are way better than those stinky deer

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: like rlly she took the house with lorenz over us thats insulting

(Eagles) GothHoob: As long as I stay away from her on Minecraft, I doubt Marianne will do much.

(Eagles) GothHoob: Even if she is fierce online, in real life, she is not much more than a scared rabbit in the face of a wolf.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ur more of a snake or a lizard than a wolf imo but the point still stands i guess

(Eagles) GothHoob: And why do you say that?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hubert have you looked in the fucking mirror

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you look like an edgier version of that lizard from that old game

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: what was it called? geck?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i think u mean gex but LMFAO you so right holy shit

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hubert IS a lizard

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Now that you point it out, I do see the resemblance.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Hubert doesn’t have sunglasses, however.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i can fix that dw we will make this shit happen hubert gex cosplay lets go

(Eagles) GothHoob: I am not being your personal doll for your silly entertainment. 

(Eagles) GothHoob: Now if you’ll excuse me, some of us have work to be doing instead of wasting their time playing video games. 

GothHoob has left the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: he does realize he just spent the last hr “wasting his time playing videogames” right

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I don’t believe so, no.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I find these games of video to be very educational. They are helping me greatly with my language skills.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am not finding them to be a waste of time. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: thats cuz they’re not a waste of time they help you develop valuable critical thinking and problem solving skills

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: since when does ferdinand actually know how to use big words

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wait i take that back he always uses big words to make himself sound all fancy lmao

SexySinger has joined the game.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Is Sylvain on? <3

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Not currently, no. I believe you’ve scared him off of the server for a while.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Wonderful. Please let me know if he gets on so I can hop on and make him miserable. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: damnnnn dorothea

(Eagles) SexySinger: Caspar, if you don’t stop saying that every day, you’re next. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’m tired of hearing that every time I walk into class. Don’t fucking test me. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok ok chill out damnnnnn

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ...dorothea

Caspartheghost was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: worth it


	4. Nae Nae King Caspar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caspar takes it into his own hands to teach Petra slang and other such hip and cool things.

Caspartheghost has joined the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: guys guys holy shit

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: prof b is starting a sports league holy shit 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i can finally be the sports anime boy ive always dreamed of being

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cmon and slam and welcome to tha jam

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: say hi to your new team captain bitches

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: thats right

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: its me caspar

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You’re not team captain, Caspar.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya i am im this house’s designated sports boy

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: therefore i am mvp on this team and also team captain

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Did you miss the part of the professor’s announcement where she said house leaders were going to be team captain?

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: That means Edelgard is team captain, Caspar.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lin. look at me. look at me.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i am the captain now.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: No, you’re not.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lin that was a haha funny joke u were supposed to go “lol” not “thats not right caspar”

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Oh. Lol.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: much better thanks

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh btw petra is going to be our cheerleader

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I was unaware there was such a position.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: there wasnt originally but since im team captain i made it happen and she seemed rlly excited abt it so

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You’re not team captain.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya i am stupid

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but ya i taught petra to whip nae nae 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and she got like super into it very excited

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, the professor said she MIGHT be starting a sports league.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Not that she IS. Don’t you think you’re going a bit far? It’s not even confirmed yet.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: If she decides not to it’d be such a waste of energy.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: dw ik for sure shes doing it because she said she might be

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and everyone knows might makes right so it means its definitely happening 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar I dont think thats how it works, but ok.

BrigidPride has joined the game.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Hello, Petra.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hihihihi petra :D

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Caspar!! I have been practicing my nay nay! 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I shall be giving everyone the team spirit so that we cannot be losing! :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: great job petra!! :D we cannot lose now ur such a good cheerleader

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wait do we even know what sport we gonna be playing?? crap i forgot to ask prof

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i hope its soccer im super good at soccer

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lin you’d love soccer u could be goalie and that way

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you wouldnt have to run anywhere and u can kinda just stand there and zone out

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: because caspar the football god would not let the ball even get close to our goal

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: so ud get to just stand there as we win

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u could probs just nap or smthn while we dunk on the other team

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wait can u nap standing up

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, I doubt the other team would let you make it so the goalie can just “stand there and zone out.”

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: they would try but fail cuz we goddess tier bruh

(Eagles) BrigidPride: With my whip nay nay we cannot be losing! :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ^ see? petra gets it get in the spirit lin cmon

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lin do u need me to teach u to nae nae too?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz i can teach u im nae nae king yuh yeet

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: or i could teach u to floss instead if youd rather lmao

AdrestianPrincess has joined the game. 

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I’ve just been informed that the professor is starting a volleyball league.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wait volleyball???

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: not soccer? :(

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: That’s correct. 

IamFerdinandvonAegir has joined the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: since when has prof b had glasses

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Since yesterday.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: o cuz they look like rlly nice on her like damn

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: like prof is hot??? damn

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Do any of you know why Hubert seemed… hesitant to get on Minecraft today?

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: I tried to ask him myself, but he kept dodging the question.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: he pissed off marianne

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: he stole her horse

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well one of them anyways

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: Oh no. This was because I told him I wanted to go looking for a minecraft horse, wasn’t it?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: probably?? i dont rlly understand how hubert thinks

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: all i know is that for a rlly smart dude he is rlly stupid sometimes

(Eagles) AdrestianPrincess: That’s… one way to put it. I need to go do some things. I’ll be back in a bit.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Goodbye, Edelgard. :D

AdrestianPrincess has left the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: btw speaking of marianne i think she finally snapped today

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wym?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: since hubert hasnt been gettin on minecraft we thought she wouldnt do anything 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: since like she only goes full gamer online right and is kinda baby irl

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well that changed today

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Oh! Was this perhaps why Hubert was being running around angry in a pink outfit?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya she had someone steal his clothes while he was in the sauna lmao

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: did you see what the shirt she left him said on it

(Eagles) BrigidPride: No, Hubert was being very urgent at trying to get back to his dorm.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it apparently had the barbie logo on it

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: marianne is a certified mad lad gamer girl

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: im pretty sure the rest of the gd were involved but its clear she was the mastermind of it

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: im so proud of her us barbie fans have to stick together

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, I’m not sure I’ll ever understand your logic.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: its aight bro you dont gotta

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: thats what im here for

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cant have more than one me after all and im the only one who can think like me :D

Berniebear has joined the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hi bernie

(Eagles) Berniebear: who was in my room?

(Eagles) Berniebear: some very important documents are missing and i really need them back

(Eagles) Berniebear: oh no i hope i didnt lose them this is bad this is bad this is very bad

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wym? what were u workin on an essay or smthn bernie

(Eagles) Berniebear: no but i really need those papers back again

(Eagles) Berniebear: i worked really hard on them and i really need them back they werent meant for anyone to see them 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wait bernie did you write the fanfic that someone left at the dining hall

(Eagles) Berniebear: oh my goodness ferd please tell me you didnt read it

(Eagles) Berniebear: please please please

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: why? bernie if u wrote this you’re a really talented writer

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you should post some of this

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: like srsly bernie this is rlly good

(Eagles) Berniebear: ferd please just give the papers back and forget you ever read them

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: of course! i didn’t know they were urs im sorry bernie i didnt mean to hurt ur feelings :(

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wait bernie u write fanfic??

(Eagles) Berniebear: no

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ya she does

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and its rlly good too

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ferd you READ fanfic??

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: listen when i found it i didnt know it was fanfic ok

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: but i was quickly drawn into the story

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and it was simply so riveting i could not put it down

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: is everyone in this class a weeb

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i swear i keep finding out a ton of yall are secret weebs smh

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: reading fanfic does not make me a weeb!!

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya it does

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: just because i am reading fanfic does not mean it is weeb fanfic

(Eagles) BrigidPride: What is the meaning of weeb? I am being unfamiliar with that term.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it means they stan anime and manga

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Stan is meaning to really like a lot, correct?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya petra u got it :D

(Eagles) BrigidPride: :D I am making great progress with my language!

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: yes you are and in this house we love and support people on that grind

(Eagles) BrigidPride: On that grind?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: working hard

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Ah! I see! Caspar, you are teaching me many new things today! 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I have great gratitude for your help.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: of course petra im always happy to teach you hip and cool slang

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: caspar u better not teach her to dab and floss i stg

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why, ferdinand, what a brilliant idea! thanks for sharing

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hey petra want to learn more hip and cool dances?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: caspar no

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Yes, Caspar. That would be most wonderful.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: petra no


	5. Ferdinand, have you met Joe?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Petra learns some very important meme lingo and tricks.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: we need to nerf lysithea from volleyball

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shes scary

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: damn right she is i agree

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: listen as soon as she named her overhand serve after her favorite spell

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: I knew we were fucked

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: dark spike volleyball needs to be banned

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: nerfed

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: yeeted, even.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: It isn’t that bad. It could be easily neutralized with a little bit of magic and proper calculations.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: we aint gonna be doing MATH while playing volleyball lin

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well you might be but im sure as hell not

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but ur bigbrain so i could see you doing it

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Glad to know you have so much faith in me, Caspar.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Maybe next time you’ll listen to me before you do something stupid.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i dont think anyone can prevent caspar from doing anything stupid

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: that would like break the laws of the universe

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: lin is sleepy i am noble and great and caspar is stupid

(Eagles) SexySinger: I would also add you to the stupid category. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ...and dorothea is mean

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’m not mean, I’m honest. There’s a difference. I’m just stating facts.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: love her or hate her she spittin straight facs

(Ealges) CrestTextbook: Caspar, please stop saying that.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why its a great phrase lin im just spittin facs here

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i am the lorax and i speak for the memes

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and i say we are spittin straight facs

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wth is the lorax

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: idk its some meme template i found

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: is everything you say a meme

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya basically, joe

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: who is joe

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: joe mama

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ha gottem

(Eagles) SexySinger: Caspar, shut up. I bet you don’t even know what updog is. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u right i dont know what is updog???

(Eagles) SexySinger: Not much, how about you? <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: WHOAH THATS A GOOD ONE

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: since when have you been cool dorothea

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Since she has become friends with Hugh!! :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hugh?? 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Hugh mungus!!! :D

BrigidPride —> SexySinger: Did I do that correctly, Dorothea?

SexySinger —> BrigidPride: That was perfect, Petra. <3

BrigidPride —> SexySinger: :D :D :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh yea well is she friends with ben too?

(Eagles) BrigidPride: ben?? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: Ben Dover

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, you can’t say anything. Your best friends with that idiot Moe.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: Which Moe?

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Moe Leicester.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i didnt think the deers had anyone actually named leicester…

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and i dont think im friends with anyone named that.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh i just read that out loud I get it now

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and lin ill have u know i am not friends with moe leicester

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: because i respect women and moe leicester does not

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: thats right all women are queens

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I was thinking only one person could be queen of a nation? 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Was I thinking incorrectly? How could every woman be a queen?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: its not like actually queens but more like pretty and beautiful

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: it basically means all women are gorgeous and deserving of respect

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Ah! I agree with this!! :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: does anyone have a spare nametag i can have

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: why

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz i need to name my new minecraft cat

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am having an extra one, Caspar! 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Would you be liking it?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: yes pls thank you petra!! :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: can you add a minecraft cat to a faction

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i need to make catspar von purrgliez an official member

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Did you really name your cat that?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: of course i did its cute 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You can’t add a minecraft cat to a faction, Caspar.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: :((

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hey dorothea

(Eagles) SexySinger: ?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: can you sing minecraft music cuz this shits fucking fire

(Eagles) SexySinger: I don’t think Minecraft music is something someone would sing, Caspar. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why not

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz minecraft music be rlly hittin tho

(Eagles) SexySinger: Some music is meant to be sang, and some is meant to be played on an instrument.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Of course, with the right amount of motivation, things can be adapted, but…

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok great then adapt it pls i want to hear minecraft stal in realtime

(Eagles) SexySinger: And why would I do that? What would you do for me in return? <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: Besides, even if I wanted to, there’s no way stal would easily work to be a piece one person could sing. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: this is so sad dorothea sing stal minecraft

Caspartheghost was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: :(

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: dorothea please i just want to hear minecraft music in real

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: have mercy on a gamer on that grind please bro

(Eagles) SexySinger: No mercy. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: can i at least have my stuff back? :(

(Eagles) SexySinger: No. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: :(

EpicGamerClaude has joined the game.

(Global) (Deer) EpicGamerClaude: first we own yall in minecraft and then we kick ur ass in volleyball

(Global) (Deer) EpicGamerClaude: what should we kick your asses in next

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: claude shut up ur horrible at volleyball

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: we got carried by lorenz and lysi and you know it

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: lmao shes right lorenz put in work

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: imagine getting carried by lorenz and a literal gremlin

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: be glad lysi isnt on rn otherwise you’d be dead

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: actually ur still gonna be dead cuz only we are allowed to call her a gremlin

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: make me

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: what r u gonna do abt it lazy ass

Caspartheghost fell from a high place. 

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ignore that

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: lmao i dont even gotta kill u ull do it for me

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: I SAID IGNORE THAT

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: yall hear smthn

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: No. Nothing at all.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: bro… youre actually starting to hurt my feelings here

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: If you want my help with your math homework, you will deal. 

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: unfair you know i have trouble with that stuff

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: And I also know I didn’t actually hurt your feelings. Stop trying to guilt trip me.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: you dont know that i could be crying rn

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: im in tears rn thanks to u linhardt look at what uve done man

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Caspar.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: i cant hear you over my tears

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Caspar, I’m literally across the room from you right now.

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: I can, in fact, see that you are not crying, and are in reality giggling at the computer.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: oh right i forgot u were playin in here too whoops

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: do u see me crying now

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: i know u just saw me cuz u looked at me and put ur head back down

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: dont make me come over there bro cuz i will

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Please don’t.

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: You will trip over the wires again in your excitement.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: that was one time ok only one

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: That “one time” was enough to know why we should be careful to make sure there isn’t a second time.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: itll be fine ur too much of a worrier

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: i swear look ill run over to you and nothing bad will happen

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: just watch

Caspartheghost has left the game.

CrestTextbook has left the game.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: This is being an appropriate time to say “F”, correct?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: yes thats correct

(Eagles) BrigidPride: F :D

(Eagles) SexySinger: F <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: f

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i do wonder why they both left so suddenly tho its kinda weird

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: like they left at like the exact same time!

(Eagles) SexySinger: I bet Caspar got too excited and tripped over the ethernet cable again. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: preposterous. he wouldn’t repeat that error twice.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Bet. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ok how much we bettin im down

(Eagles) SexySinger: 300 gold? 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ok deal bet lets go

SexySinger —> BrigidPride: I don’t even have 300 gold on me at the moment. That’s how confident I am he’s going to lose. <3

BrigidPride —> SexySinger: LOL! We will be seeing who comes out victorious! :D

CrestTextbook has joined the game.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Nobody let Caspar near any sort of wire or cable ever again.

Caspartheghost has joined the game. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: nobody listen to lin that cable came alive and grabbed my foot i didnt trip over it

SexySinger —> IamFerdinandvonAegir: Pay up, bitch. 300 gold. <3 

IamFerdinandvonAegir —> SexySinger: can it wait til tomorrow im kinda busy today

SexySinger —> IamFerdinandvonAegir: No. <3


	6. Don't craft while sick, kids.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dorothea is the no anime cop penguin, and Caspar gets sick and plays minecraft.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hey guys is nyone on ik yall supposed to be in class so

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: helooooooo

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: who the fck made thse cough dropps taste so bad

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why doo they tste like shi

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: helooooo anyon on???

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: im lonly :(((

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: arent u supposed to be in class rn??

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: im sicc and lonly ans sadd :(((

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: and my ches hurz and my fuckin uhhh soul wanna yeet out my boyd

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: boddy

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: bodyy

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: fuck

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: did they not give u meds or smthn

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: they didd they juz taste like shisfadd

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: shid sorry i sneezed and my hand slipped

(Global) (Lions) WannabeFalconKnight: Caspar, you sound like you should go sleep instead of playing minecraft.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: slep is 4 weklinh

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: typing wit 1 hans is hard :(

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: but i can stop that grind gamer4lyfe

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: cant

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: do any of u guyz wanna bring me jooce pls

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: my thorat hurts and i wan appl jooce

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: pls :(((

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: maybe if i msg lin he wil get me juize…

FlowerGirlFlayn has joined the game.

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: Hello, all! 

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: flaynnnn flaynn hihihihi

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: wana get me som juce?? 

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: Are you unable to get yourself juice?

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: am sik :((

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: Oh! How awful! 

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: I can bring you some juice. What type of juice would you like?

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: appel

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: Alright. I will be back soon everyone.

FlowerGirlFlayn has left the game.

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: wow u manipulated boomer jr into getting you juice

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: are u proud of urself caspar

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: u cudve gotten me joos

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: but u meen and no sympafy for sik caspar :(((

(Global) (Deer) PrettyGirlGoneril: why should I feel obligated to get u juice we arent like best friends or anything

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: adh shiyt i should hvae asked lin for juicve

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: why cnat i typeee my fat gucking finges 

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: FALYN GOT ME JIUCE

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: FLANY iIS TEH BESTTT

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: FALNY I LOEV UUUUU

FlowerGirlFlayn has joined the game.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: FALNY YOU AMZAING

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: AMZAZING

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: fukc

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: i dndt say curse faylny DOTN tell bruh

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: i didmr teachj u cursre

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: I am most pleased that you are enjoying your juice, Caspar!

(Global) FlowerGirlFlayn: I shall be hiding the chat while I build for a little while.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: faylne noooo dont gooo

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: i need more jiucceeeee plsss

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: hoepfluly lin shud be dnoe with classes soooon

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: someone shut him up please im having a fucking stroke reading this shit

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ufck you meaniane

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: fukc yuo meanianne

CrestTextbook has joined the game.

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: linhardt please force him off mc we’ve been having to read his stroke inducing shit for the last fucking hour

IamFerdinandvonAegir has joined the game.

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: I apologize. I had to go to class so I couldn’t watch him. 

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: He was supposed to be spending the time resting, but someone decided to play minecraft instead.

BrigidPride has joined the game.

(Global) (Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: sup

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: hwo

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: who ddi

Berniebear has joined the game.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: did

Caspartheghost has left the game.

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: I will be back in a while. 

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: thanks linhardt

CrestTextbook has left the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: was Caspar tryna craft while sick again

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am believing so, yes.

SexySinger has joined the game.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Hello, Dorothea! :D

(Eagles) SexySinger: Hello, Petra. <3

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Are you having a successful day?

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Have you obtained the bread?

(Eagles) SexySinger: I have gotten that bread, yes, Petra. Thank you.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: :D

Caspartheghost has joined the game.

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: ah fuck hes back 

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: i aet gmumy baeerrrs i am unstpopable and powrefullll

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: i loev gmmuy baers :)))

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: lin nooooo dun wana gertoff

Caspartheghost has left the game.

CrestTextbook has joined the game. 

(Global) (Eagles) CrestTextbook: If any of you see him on again, message me immediately so I can drag him away from his computer. Thank you.

CrestTextbook has left the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: why do i hear pmd music

(Eagles) Berniebear: THATS NOT ME THIS TIME

(Eagles) Berniebear: wait a second where are my speakers

(Eagles) Berniebear: wtf

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i think caspar has finally fucking lost it

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i cannot hear myself think over pmd town square theme

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: how does he even get it that loud

(Eagles) Berniebear: i-i think he mightve stolen my speakers

(Eagles) Berniebear: I found a few gummy bears on the floor near where they were supposed to be.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i think i just heard linhardt scream

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: oh hey the pmd music stopped

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: aaaand its back again

(Eagles) BrigidPride: What is pmd?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: pokemon mystery dungeon 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: its a fun video game with great music and oh hey it stopped again

(Eagles) BrigidPride: :D I will be having to try that game of video, then!

(Eagles) SexySinger: Ferdinand this better not be you trying to convert her to weeb shit again I swear.

(Eagles) SexySinger: If I catch you trying to show her anime one more time... <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: naruto is a classic idk wym dorothea

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i am simply educating her

IamFerdinandvonAegir was slain by SexySinger using [No Anime]

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i hate you you’re mean

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: >:(

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: dorothea stop with the hearts im at my FUCKING limit

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i cant take it anymore

(Eagles) SexySinger: Okay, Ferdie. <3 <3 <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: that’s it

SexySinger was slain by IamFerdinandvonAegir using [Begone Thot]

(Eagles) SexySinger: Are you calling me a thot?? <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: perhaps

(Eagles) SexySinger: Ferdie, do you want to fucking die?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i have the power of the goddess and anime on my side what are you gonna do thot

IamFerdinandvonAegir was slain by SexySinger using [No Anime]

(Eagles) SexySinger: Your anime powers are worthless against my anti-anime sword, Ferdie. <3

IamFerdinandvonAegir was slain by SexySinger using [No Anime]

IamFerdinandvonAegir was slain by SexySinger using [No Anime]

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: okay you win im sorry please dont kill me anymore 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: have mercy please i beg of you

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i should have never used such a slanderous and dishonorable term such as thot to adress you im sorry

(Eagles) SexySinger: Apology accepted. <3

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Dorothea, I am not seeing the problem with Ferdinand showing me this “anime.”

(Eagles) SexySinger: And if I have it my way, you never will. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: Ignorance is bliss, Petra. You cannot fear what you do not know to fear.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: what are you the no anime penguin cop? ur no fun

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yes. I am the no anime penguin cop. Fear me, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: The weeb fears the thot. It is the natural order of things. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wtf u killed me for calling u a thot and now u callin urself one?

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yeah because I’m the only one who gets to call me a thot. You have no rights. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ok the musics coming back from caspars room except this time i hear megalovania and screaming

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and some coughing that sounds like dude need some dayquil or smthn

Caspartheghost has joined the game.

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: oh goddess not again

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: i habe defaeeted lninnn

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: nothinngnn can stpo me now fro i haev won

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: now to duknn on yalal like sands undertael

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: i think hes having a stroke writing this as much as i am reading this

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ammm nto

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ur gonna haev a baddda tiem

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz mi sand undertalee

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: no ur not

(Global) (Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: with how loud megalovania is playing rn he might be

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: see feerdunsand gets it

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: fukc

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: get dukned onnnnn looosres

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: what happened to linhardt

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: did u not haer me??? i defaetefd himmm

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: brbbb i needsa find a pni or smtnh to hold my blanjkeet so i camb tyep properluy

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok i now can ues both hands but still messsin up a lil bit :)

(Global) (Deer) horsegirluwu: well at least i can stand to read it now, barely.

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: meanianne is bullying a sikc person :((( u shud feel bda

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: bda

(Global) (Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok maybe i shuold go slepe lin mightev been right


	7. Are you coming to the Caspar Bro Club?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar plans the grand opening of his bro club, and it promptly gets taken over by Claude.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: reminder guys first meeting of caspar bro club tonight eagles classroom be there or be square

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no girls allowed

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: this is a bro only zone

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: caspar u realize if you exclude half the school nobody is gonna wanna show up right

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but i dont wanna get sick again dude 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: girls have cooties

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, cooties aren’t real.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: then how do you explain me accidentally bumping into marianne then getting sick the next day?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: checkmate idiot

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cooties are real

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, I watched you drop two cookies on the floor, wipe them off with your shirt, then eat them. 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I’m pretty sure it wasn’t bumping into Marianne that made you sick.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but ive eaten stuff off the floor all the time before

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and nothing bad has happened so ive come to the conclusion

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: that it was cooties

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and thus no girls allowed

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar. The only reason you haven’t gotten sick from it before is that you’ve been incredibly lucky, or have a great immune system. 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Or both. It’d take some looking into to determine which it is.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: so its not cooties then?

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: No. It’s not cooties.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh ok in that case girls can come

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: so yall better be there

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: is dorothea coming

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shes not an official caspar bro yet but if she comes i will consider it

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you’re coming right ferd

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: there will be lots of cool people there 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and we’re gonna have blackjack

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wait blackjack??? 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: How did you get the professor to approve you having blackjack at your club?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: thats simple

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i didnt

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: What do you mean you didn’t get her to approve it?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i kinda forgot to ask her about it dw im sure she’ll be fine with it tho

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: we wont be gambling real money or anything

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I’m pretty sure she might still have an issue with you playing blackjack at a school sanctioned club period.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: itll be fine lin

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: speaking of which ur coming right

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i cant have the vp of the club no show on me on opening night

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I’m the vice president? You never told me this.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hell yeah you are you’re the best bro

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Yes, I’m coming. Someone has to make sure you don’t accidentally kill yourself.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: aww thanks lin 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but yea yall better be there

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: its gonna be great

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: claude said he’d be coming so you know its gonna be good

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i thought every party claude goes to ends up getting crazy tho

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: first of all its not a party and thats the point ferd

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: its gonna be a WILD grand opening

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: actually on second thought inviting claude might have been a bad idea

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hes a dirty cheater at card games

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: when we played poker he somehow like always fricking won idk how he did it

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I think he simply read your poker face. Or rather, lack of one. Caspar, you’re not very good at lying. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why would i wanna lie tho lying is for losers

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: real winners win AND are honest

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Sometimes I wish I could have your optimism about things. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i can teach you if you want or i can try at least

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: That’s all right, thank you though. I think I’ll survive.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: your loss 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why is bernie blasting death metal

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: is that why she has such nice ass speakers

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: probably 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: btw speaking of bernie i fucking hate her dad

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: agreed

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Join the club.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: wait theres a club

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: am i allowed to join a club if im the pres of another club

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: its not a real club caspar

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh okay mb

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: sorry

EpicGamerClaude has joined the game.

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: hey bro can i invite some people to ur party

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: its not a party its a club meeting

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: you said thered be blackjack and pizza rolls wym its not a party dude

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: that sounds like a mf party to me

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: ok but its a club and ya its fine to invite people

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: the more the better tbh

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: ok cool cuz i invited the entirety of the golden deers

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: wait what

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: shit im gonna need to prep more pizza rolls then i didnt think that many people would actually show up

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: dw bro i got the food covered trust me raph’s got a good source for the BEST party food

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: sweet thanks

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: btw have you told her highness abt this party? she comin? or she bein a buzzkill as usual

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: idk if shes coming to the club meeting i havent asked her yet and i wasnt gonna ask hubert cuz hell only come if she comes

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: I’ll handle convincing her to come dw

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: im assumin the lions r comin too?

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: so far ive only asked sylvain abt it and he said he was down

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: ok then that means the rest of the lions are coming with because sylvain will get on them to come

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: i still cant believe you got teach to agree to this dude im not even sure i’d be able to pull that off

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: nice work my guy

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: i think prof thought i was joking when i said i was making a caspar bro club and was gonna have a grand opening 

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: so i dont think she realizes i was serious

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: but she signed off on it so

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: have you ever considered switching classes?

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: no why 

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: cuz ngl you’d be a great fit for deer 

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: sorry bro but no thanks i have friends in eagles im not gonna ditch them

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: understandable. if you change ur mind tho just hmu ;)

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: im a bit worried this grand opening is getting a bit out of hand

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: i think claude kinda hijacked my event not gonna lie

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: I think that if Claude pulls something, it will be on him. His reputation precedes him, I’m afraid. 

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: im scared lin help me :((( 

BrigidPride has joined the game.

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I heard we will be having a grand celebration!

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am being very excited! I have not been to a Fódlan celebration before.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: for the last time yall its not a party its a club grand opening

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: listen dude if claudes coming its gonna be a party whether you like it or not

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: plus with the fact that pretty much everyones gonna be coming so 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: rock on party man

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: >:( Claude doesnt run this show i do

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: has there been a single party that claude has been to that he has not taken over

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: checkmate caspar its a fuckin party

SexySinger has joined the game. 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Hi, Dorothea! I am having a fantabulous day so far. How are you being?

(Eagles) SexySinger: Hi Petra! I’m doing well. Who taught you the word fantabulous?

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am being very hardworking in studying Fódlan slang! Do you think it is paying off? :D

(Eagles) SexySinger: I do! You’re doing great honey. <3

(Eagles) BrigidPride: :D <3 I am glad!

(Eagles) BrigidPride: People have been informing me that there are pizza rolls being served at this celebration! :D

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am being very excited to be trying this food! I have never had a pizza roll before! :D

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: :O youve never had a pizza roll before!? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: we gonna have to fix that.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: theyre delicious petra ull love em :)

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: truly they are only the finest of party cuisine

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: have yall seen my good armor anywhere

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hmm mustve left it in the shrek shack

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: the what

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: the shrek shack

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: the fuck is the shrek shack

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: my secret swamp hideout

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: which you need to stay tf out of

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: is that the tiny ass wooden hut in the swamp

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and stay the FUCK out of my swamp ferdinand

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Why did you build a hut in the middle of the swamp, Caspar? You have a very nice minecraft house.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I would argue it is a minecraft home after I installed the doorbell for you.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh ya btw ur the best for that bro

(Eagles) SexySinger: What doorbell? <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: go try it its epic

(Eagles) SexySinger: Did your doorbell just play megalovania? <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: damn right it did

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: no fucking way

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: HOLY SHIT IT DOES

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: damn linhardt since when were u so good with redstone

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lins like really smart dude he works out at the library

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i need to start trying that like i need to try using books as weights maybe itll help me be super smart like linhardt

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: ok so i convinced her royal highness to come we are on for schoolwide party

Caspartheghost —> EpicGamerClaude: claude this is my club event not your party

EpicGamerClaude —> Caspartheghost: ;)


	8. Ferdinand (von Aegir) is Captain Underpants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the grand opening of Caspar's Bro Club.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i cant believe claude got my bro club shut down

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: this fucking sucks

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it was really fun but it SUCKS i cant say im president of the caspar bro club anymore

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I don’t think it was really your club the professor had a problem with.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I think it was more the wild raging party Claude turned it into that she took issue with.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: actually yeah now that i think abt it that makes sense

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: still sucks we cant play blackjack anymore tho

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i wish we had emojis in minecraft so i could use the sad yeehaw emoji

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: to truly express the depths of my sadness

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: are ferd’s undies still hanging from the flagpole or did they get them down

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I believe they were taken down by some of the wyvern riders.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: damn

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: in class earlier I saw the ceiling pizza roll was still there

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i wonder if they even know abt that

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: NOBODY TELL

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: is that the only thing that remains of my bro club?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: my only legacy? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: nothing else remains but ashes, and a single pizza roll stuck to the ceiling since they took down ferds undies :( 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and memories of good times long past we have those too

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I wouldn’t consider the events of last night “days long past”, but okay.

IamFerdinandvonAegir has joined the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: Oh hey look who it is captain underpants himself

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i still cant believe i went thru with that dare

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im gonna be haunted by this forever

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: this is the last time anyone ever calls me a coward you hear me

(Eagles) IamFerdinadvonAegir: dorothea can no longer call me a baby after i went thru with that cuz she thought i wouldn’t do it

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: listen if anyone calls you a coward they are WRONG because you are courageous and you climbed that flagpole like a champion

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: because you are a champion ferdinand

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: the champion of champions of truth or dare

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: im still in awe you actually fucking did it

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Truth be told, so am I.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hopefully dorothea will start to give me the respect i fucking deserve

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: the respect you deserve for climbing the flagpole and hanging ur undies off the top?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: that took GUTS to do ok

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: damn right it did and you rocked it this is gonna go down in history as the best club ever

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: even tho it only lasted one day the caspar bro club was legendary

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: btw bro i made you a wheat farm since you didnt like my haha funny weed cactus farm

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Caspar you literally just planted 4 wheat in the middle of your “haha funny weed cactus” farm.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: ya and i did it just for u :D cuz u said i needed an actual food farm

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: this way you can get that bread since you didnt like my haha funny weed cactus farm

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: and one extra wheat to snack on later

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: How am I supposed to eat one wheat.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: you put it in your mouth duh

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: I meant in minecraft.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: oh just right click and it lets you eat stuff

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: It doesn’t let you eat plain wheat, Caspar.

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: oh :( sorry

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: You do know I have my own farm, right?

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: you do??? wtf i gotta see this

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: lin how the FUCK

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: is this an AUTOFARM BRUH

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: The wheat farm is semi-automatic, yes. But the melon and pumpkin farms are fully automatic. 

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: The sugar and cactus farms are also fully-automatic. 

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: so ur tellin me you nagged me abt having a weed farm when you have an industrial weed farm

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: an industrial minecraft weed farm like bRUH

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: an industrial minecraft weed farm

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: will you upgrade my weed farm please linhardt

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Caspar, do you have any idea how long that took to build?

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: no

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: why

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: are you not gonna upgrade my weed farm for me?? :((

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: cmon i thought we were BROS

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: linnnnnnn

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: please

CrestTextbook —> Caspartheghost: Fine. 

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: :D thx bro ur the best

Caspartheghost —> CrestTextbook: all hail Linhardt the industrial weed farmer

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i think edelgard and hubert have disowned all of us

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: theyre glaring at me a lot now

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: They haven’t been glaring at me any more than usual.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: thats cuz u somehow managed to sleep thru the majority of the club meeting dude

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but its ok cuz u came and that like means a lot to me dude 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and petra finally got to try pizza rolls which is epic

SexySinger has joined the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you aren’t allowed to make fun of me anymore dorothea

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i did your stupid dare 

(Eagles) SexySinger: And that stops me from making fun of you, how, exactly? <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: because it proves im determined and have lots of gusto

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and that im hard working and epic

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: did you just unironically use the word epic

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: shut up caspar you say epic all the time 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but im caspar everyone EXPECTS me to say epic its who i fucking am dude

(Eagles) SexySinger: I fail to see how climbing the flagpole and placing your underwear on top makes you hardworking and courageous. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: have you SEEN how tall that flagpole is

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: that shits HARD to climb 

(Eagles) SexySinger: You have a fair point there. Very true. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: dorothea??? agreeing with me??? It’s more likely than you think

(Eagles) SexySinger: Don’t expect this to be a common occurrence, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: :(

(Eagles) SexySinger: <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: >:(

BrigidPride has joined the game.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Petra!! <3 How are you!

(Eagles) BrigidPride: I am well. I am having gratitude for your concern. And how are you being today, Dorothea?

(Eagles) SexySinger: Better now that you’re here ;) <3

(Eagles) BrigidPride: That is very kind of you to say! :D

(Eagles) SexySinger: It’s simply the truth. :) <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: get a room 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: ? Why would we be needing a room? I am not understanding what you mean, Caspar.

(Eagles) SexySinger: Caspar, you have five minutes left to live. Say your prayers and run. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: aight miss dorothea im boutta head out

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: YEET

(Eagles) SexySinger: If you log out, I will simply ambush you another time. There is no escape, Caspar. Accept your fate.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: fate is bullshit

(Eagles) SexySinger: I am inevitable, Caspar. Your time has come.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and im caspar von minecraft you’re not special

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’m gonna get you!!~ <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no ur not

(Eagles) SexySinger: Oh yes I am! Ready or not, here I come!! <3

Caspartheghost was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok maybe you are

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but you just got lucky we all know if i had my armor on you would have lost to me

(Eagles) SexySinger: Bet.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh? ur approaching me?

(Eagles) SexySinger: I can’t beat the shit out of you without getting closer. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: was that a fucking jojo reference

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: do either of you realize wtf you just did

(Eagles) SexySinger: Shut up, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: >:(

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you guys literally fucking quoted jojo and you get mad at me for pointing it out

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: we live in a society

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: where weebs are oppressed

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: do u mean gamers?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: no i mean weebs

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: if u meant gamers i was boutta agree with u dude you should have taken the opportunity

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: smh ferdie you’re so stupid sometimes i swear

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you dont get to call me ferdie thats dorotheas thing

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: also it can be argued you do stupider shit than me so your argument about me being stupid is invalid

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok captain underpants

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: blame dorothea for that one not me she forced me to do it

(Eagles) SexySinger: I didn’t force you to do anything. You could have easily backed out of that dare, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: Just own up to your own idiocy. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: but im not an idiot 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yes, you are. <3 And we love you for it. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: why is dorothea being nice to me?? Wtf this like never happens 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: today is a good day!!! :D

(Eagles) SexySinger: For now. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: :(


	9. Jojothea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dorothea claims to hate anime, yet quotes it often. Ferdinand has had enough of her anime hating ways.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: mods are asleep post crabs

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: We don’t even have mods, Caspar.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: imo house leaders count and edelgards asleep so 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: POST FUCKIN CRABS BRO

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar where are you going?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: to go find some crabs bro

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i have the wooden fences but i dont have any crabs

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: im not even sure if there are crabs in minecraft but i was gonna go look

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar I don’t think it meant to stick actual crabs on actual posts.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: And no, there aren’t crabs in minecraft.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: o ok my bad

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: tbh i thought it sounded like a waste of perfectly good crabs but

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ive seen weirder memes soooo

SexySinger has joined the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hi jojothea

(Eagles) SexySinger: Did Ferdie tell you to say that? <3 He knows I hate anime.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: maybe

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yes or no, Caspar. Yes or no. No maybes. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: perhaps

(Eagles) SexySinger: Caspar do you want to get slapped with Gucci Heels again? Because I will. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: Don’t fucking test me. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok yea he told me to call u jojothea lmao

(Eagles) SexySinger: See? That’s all you needed to say. <3 That wasn’t so hard, now was it?

BrigidPride has joined the game. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Hi, Petra! <3

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Hi, Jojothea!! :D

(Eagles) SexySinger: Be right back. I need to go murder Ferdie for exposing Petra to anime.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: dorothea dont u watch pokemon tho??

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Ooh!! Pokemon!! I am being very fond of that show. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Pokemon doesn’t count as anime.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: but pokemons anime dorothea that means you watch anime

(Eagles) SexySinger: Pokemon does not count as anime. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: mhm sure it doesnt

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: whatever you say dorothea

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you totally dont just watch it cuz petra likes it or anything

Caspartheghost was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: they hate me for i speak the truth

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why are you booing me? im right you know

IamFerdinandvonAegir has joined the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hi guys

(Eagles) SexySinger: Ferdie, I’d tell you to run, but you are already dead. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: nani!? 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: did she just quote an animeme again

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you cant get mad at him for wanting us to call you jojothea

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: when you literally just quoted it again

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: you literally just did the omae wa mou shindeiru thing but translated

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: dorothea watches jojo confirmed??!?!?

Caspartheghost was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

IamFerdinandvonAegir was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: yall seem to have a bit of a friendly fire problem there

(Global) (Eagles) SexySinger: Shut up, Sylvain. Ingrid and Felix kill you all the time. You have no right to speak on this. <3

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: you do know theres a rule against bullying right?? you all bully me :(

(Global) (Lions) FighterFraldarius: It’s not bullying if you do shit to deserve it, dumbass. 

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: <3 u too felix 

(Global) (Lions) FighterFraldarius: Eat a dick.

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: sounds like a date just tell me when and where ;)

pu55yslayersylvain was slain by FighterFraldarius using [Dumbass]

(Global) (Lions) pu55yslayersylvain: :(

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, why is there a sign in your house that says “we in da cave”?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: because my house is in a cave duh

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and if u in it u in da cave. da caspar cave.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: thus we in da cave

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Ok, you’ve explained that sign, now explain why you put a sign in the middle of your farm that just says “fart”.

(Ealges) Caspartheghost: oh ya i forgot abt that one lmao

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i put it there cuz its funny :)

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i think bernie must be playing halo again

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh yea i can hear warthog run full blast

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shes goin ham 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i wonder if thats how she aims so well

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: she learns to aim by practicing her epic gamer skills??? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: maybe i need to start playing halo

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, you don’t do archery. Why would you need to learn to aim projectiles?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i gotta be able to hit what i wanna punch lin

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I said projectiles. Your fists are not projectiles.   


(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh whoops haha sorry i cant read

(Eagles) SexySinger: We know. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: my disappointment in you is immeasurable and my day is ruined. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: that was uncalled for dorothea

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: sorry i meant jojothea >:)

(Eagles) SexySinger: Say that again. I fucking dare you. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok jojothea

Caspartheghost was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: is murder your default mode whenever someone pisses you off

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Ok dorothea what the fuck you’ve literally quoted animemes 3 times in the last hour

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and yet you claim to hate anime

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: like cmon jojothea you have to see why thats kinda sus

IamFerdinandvonAegir was slain by SexySinger using [Gucci Heels]

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: by killing me you’re admitting im right

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you’re only delaying the inevitable

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you’re a weeb, dorothea. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: admit it. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: The day I say I am a weeb is the day I die. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: then perish

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: for u are a weeb

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: 1v1 me final destination fox only no items

(Eagles) SexySinger: Can someone translate that? I don’t speak weeb. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: fight me coward

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: weeb on weeb lets fuckin go

(Eagles) BrigidPride: Sorry to be interrupting! 

(Eagles) BrigidPride: But what is the meaning of “weeb”?

(Eagles) SexySinger: Nothing you should be concerned with, Petra. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Stop trying to corrupt her, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: never

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i fucking know you watch jojo dorothea

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i saw you do a jojo pose at me from across the room

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: dont lie u know exactly wtf ur doin jojothea

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: and ur doing it to fuck with me!

(Eagles) SexySinger: I can easily fuck with you without resorting to anime, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: I have standards.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im not fucking crazy you totally watch anime stop dismissing me

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: reeeeeeee

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yare yare, Ferdie. Calm down. You’re overreacting. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: THATS FUCKING IT

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: IM FUCKING TIRED OF BEING NICE

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: whoah ferdinands goin beastmode :O

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO APESHIT

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: did you just fucking reeeee irl omfg

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lmaooo you so did

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: shut up caspar

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Dorothea. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: Yes, Ferdie? <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: you. me. the training grounds. tomorrow at dawn. swords.

(Eagles) SexySinger: You’re on.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ferd r u challenging her to a formal duel

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: yes. i need to defend my honor

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ur gonna lose

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: fuck you

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: do it yourself coward

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: thats it caspar you come too

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: training grounds tomorrow at dawn lets fucking go

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im going to beat all of you then none of u can make fun of me anymore

(Eagles) SexySinger: Are you sure you want to use swords, Ferdie? <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: if you would prefer another weapon i will be nice and let u switch

(Eagles) SexySinger: No, swords are just fine. 

(Eagles) SexySinger: I was more trying to be nice to you and offer you a shred of mercy. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: thats funny. i was trying to do the same.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: can i change weapons

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: no

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: :(

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: why not

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i have no mercy left for you

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and u have some left for dorothea?? wtf bro i call bs

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: she is a lady. it would be uncouth not to offer her mercy

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lmao ferd shes gonna beat the shit out of u then step on u in heels

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u sure ur able to handle me after she kills u

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im sure ill be just fine caspar. i diligently train my swordsmanship every day.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok dude but so does she

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: irrelevant

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I need to go for now. I was unfortunately assigned stable duty again. 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I will be back later. 

CrestTextbook has left the game.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ha imagine having to get off minecraft to do stable duty lameee

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Caspar u know ur on stable duty this week too right

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: fuck

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: eh lin will be fine without me im sure

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: caspar did you just screech “get the fuck out of my room im playing minecraft”?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: or am i hearing things 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u heard nothing

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ah shit lin isnt taking no for an answer guess i gotta go :(((

Caspartheghost has left the game.


	10. Linhardt McCheetofingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linhardt loves cheese snacks, and a debate ensues over whether or not Hubert is a vampire, a lizard vampire, or just a lizard.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i regret letting dorothea bring her own weapon

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u were the one who offered to let her switch weps since

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: “i practice with swords everyday and i need to offer a lady mercy itd be uncouth”

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: i should have specified no magic weapons ok

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: levin swords are bullshit

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: amen magic weps are bs

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: magic is bs

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: who needs magic when u can just punch shit instead

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Caspar, you realize in order to heal the wounds you get “punching shit”, I have to use magic, correct?

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Or would you rather keep the cuts and scrapes you get since “magic is bullshit”?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok healing magic is fine but attacking magic is bs

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Okay, and how many times have I kept you from getting killed with a well timed spell?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: … a lot

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: okay so dorothea’s magic is bullshit

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I am alright with that statement. Magic as a whole, however, is not bullshit.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well it requires math and math is bullshit

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Math is far from bullshit. It is precise, well researched and proven. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well math is hard and therefore bullshit

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: When did you start using the word “therefore”, Caspar?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shit idk man i must have picked it up from u

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz u say shit like that all the mf time

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: like how u started saying yeet cuz of me and stuff

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: we learn from each other yafeel

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Interesting. I will have to see if I can somehow get you to learn more math by simply associating with me.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: yea no no math thats not happening

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: math is bullshit and makes me sick to my stomach

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: not even u can make me learn math

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: What is the equation of a line?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: oh thats easy y=mx+b bro

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I already have made you learn math. I rest my case.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: yooo wtf u right

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: lin u somehow taught me math wtf

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: And to think, all I had to do was reward you with cheese puffs every time you got a correct answer.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Had I known the answer to your studying troubles was that simple, I would have started using that strategy long ago.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: listen cheese puffs are really good ok 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: u cant blame me for that shit dude

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ive seen u snacking on those cheese puffs when u think i aint lookin

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wait he eats cheese puffs??

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hell ya he does i bet his fingers are covered in cheeto dust rn

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: in fact i can almost guarantee it.

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: My fingers are not covered in cheeto dust.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: they were i bet u just licked it off em

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: checkmate lin

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ur a fuckin nerd with cheeto fingers

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i bet u got a blankie wrapped around ur shoulders too

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I will neither confirm nor deny that accusation.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: im right arent i linhardt mccheetofingers

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Please don’t call me that.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: o ok sorry bro 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: go finish ur cheetos itll make u feel better :)

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I am not eating cheetos.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok what about cheez its? doritos? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: my cheese snack senses are tingling you have SOMETHING covering your hands in cheese crumbs

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Actually, I don’t. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: dude ive seen your trash can you 100% fucking do dont lie

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i know who you are linhardt mccheesefingers

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: cheese snacks r good tho

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya ik

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: so why r u getting on lin for liking them

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: they r delicious

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: but coffee idk how people drink that shit

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: people who drink that shit arent human

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hubert drinks it tho

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ya and hubert isnt fuckin human

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: we already established the fact that hes a lizard

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hes a lizardperson in a human disguise

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: or a vampire

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: tbh he seems like a vampire

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: or actually yknow what he could be?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: what

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: a lizard vampire

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hmmmm yknow what that is also a possibility

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Vampires aren’t real. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ok but ur not saying he cant be a lizard tho

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: if he cant be a vampire or a vampire lizard he can still be a lizard

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ?

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: I don’t think he’d look like a person does if he was a lizard. Lizards tend to be scaly. 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: good point

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: he cant be a lizard cuz his skin is so mf smooth like

(Eagles) iamFerdinandvonAegir: like i needa know what face mask he uses or whatever because his skin looks

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: glowing

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i think his skin looks glowing cuz hes so pale cuz he never goes out in the day

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: see its more proof hes a vampire

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: he doesnt go out during the day so far things are checking out

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ferd do u know if he eats things with garlic in them

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: how tf would I know that

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: why the hell do u think I watch him eat every day or smthn

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im not fucking stalking him caspar jeez

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i thought u two were tight

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im like 99% sure he despises me caspar idk wtf ur on abt

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: man and I thought i was stupid 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: excuse you I have an excellent gpa you cannot call me stupid

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: hubert doesnt like despise u dude

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im p sure he does

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: dude like if he despised u you wouldnt be alive rn

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: ? wym

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: with how much u annoy him if he truly despised u he wouldve like 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: told u to fuck off a long time ago

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: not in those words, ofc hed say smthn like

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: threatening and very concerning and smthn about “disposing of u”

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: he doesnt actually threaten to kill people youre exaggerating

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no im not literally just the other day he threatened to kill prof b

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: wait he did?!?

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: like threatened threatened?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya lmao and i have no idea how he isnt in huge trouble for that

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: like i guess either prof b didnt take him srsly at all or thought he was joking

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: but hubert doesnt joke

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: like ever

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: hell the fact we could get him to play minecraft was nothing short of a miracle

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: ya and who convinced him to play

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: Edelgard? 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: no

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: well actually yes partially it was her but

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: i think it was largely cuz u wouldnt stop begging him to play with us

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: no that cant be it he told me to “stop bothering him about such worthless trivial games”

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: yea and abt an hour later he came and had me make an acct for him

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: cuz he a computer boomer 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: and cant do shit

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: holy shit caspar u might be onto something bro

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: of course I am im bigbrain

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You choked on a skittle earlier today. 

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: that has nothing to do with how bigbrain i am lin

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You coughed it up, and it flew onto the floor. 

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: You picked it up off of the floor and then ate it.

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: so?

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it was a perfectly good skittle i wasnt gonna just throw it out

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: like dude thatd be such a waste r u kidding me?

(Eagles) CrestTextbook: Sometimes I wonder how you’ve even been able to keep yourself alive.

SexySinger has joined the game.

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: BEGONE YOU DISHONORABLE CHEATER

(Eagles) SexySinger: I’m not a cheater, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: You said swords, so I brought one. <3

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: u know as well as i fucking do that i didnt mean a fucking LEVIN SWORD

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: magic weps are fucking BULLSHIT

(Eagles) SexySinger: You never said no magic weapons, Ferdie. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: You told me to bring “a sword of my choice.” 

(Eagles) SexySinger: And yet you have a problem with it when I do. <3

(Eagles) SexySinger: I think you’re just mad that I walked ALL over you. You big baby. <3

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: shes right you know

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it was amazing to watch truly the pinnacle of modern entertainment

(Eagles) Caspartheghost: it cannot be topped 

(Eagles) IamFerdinandvonAegir: im not baby. >:(


End file.
